Friday, August 17, 2012

♫ Talking to Myself ♫

You know - people who don't think this is all in my head or that I'm trying to be lazy are all very worried about things like... getting back to my normal schedule, exercising every day, addiction to pain meds, etc. But what keeps cycling in my head is that part of me is gone. That carefree, active me - the me that never worried about how late I stayed up or how much I pushed myself or how much stress was involved in obtaining my goals, the OCD neat freak, the perfectionist, the nothing-is-ever-good-enough goal-oriented person - has faded over the last two years and I'm grieving for my loss. The more I learn, the more I realize how everything is going to change.

When my symptoms started getting worse, I was a full-time-and-a-half student with dreams of a PhD and a career in environmental biotech research. In the last year, I dropped 3 classes, failed one, and ended up withdrawing from my whole spring semester. I also bowed out of a second internship with a huge national laboratory. I was supposed to get married this fall, but we had to break the news of postponing the wedding to our families this summer after realizing the planning is a major source of stress - and flares. I'm planning on taking some classes this fall, but very worried that I won't be able to handle it. All my plans are changing.

My energy levels are nil, I'm constantly flaring, and my symptoms are just getting worse, despite treatment. Today I gave myself my first shot of Humira. I'm excited to be starting biologic therapy and really hoping it helps soon!! I'm also taking 25mg of methotrexate per week and prednisone tapers as needed. I haven't seen results yet, but I'm trying to be optimistic. 

I have a long road ahead of me and I know I need the love and support of RA friends. I'm part of a wonderful support group that has helped me step outside my cave of anger and depression. I hope I can meet more friends through this blog and maybe someone will be helped by hearing my story. 

Waiting for Spring  


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